Ladylies #1 - The Break

Ladylie: "Sometimes when he wants a break, he just needs to be sure."

Truth: when he says he wants a break, he wants a break UP.

Always? No. Understand that in matters of the heart, always and never are very dangerous words to use. However, if you're looking for a committed relationship, you have to play the odds. And odds are, if he wants a break, he's done with the relationship.

We are all guilty of telling this ladylie. When my first fiance dropped the break-bomb on me, I thought everything was perfect: in fact, we planned to marry within a matter of months. But no; he wanted a "break" to make sure the marriage was the right thing.

Immediately my friends began the ladylie: "Oh, he just needs time! He'll be back, don't worry about that!"

My mother told me the hard truth: "He's probably breaking up with you. He's trying to let you down easy."

Pessimist? No, just honest. She was right, of course: it wasn't long before the "break" devolved into a break up. If I had been able to accept that possibility, instead of plunging headfirst into denial, the break up wouldn't have been nearly so painful.

Honestly is always the best policy. Your tearful gal pal doesn't want to hear the truth, but you owe it to her. Don't give her false promises. Give her the tools to stay strong and be independant, and understand that happiness is not based on another person, but on yourself.

Face the Truth

Ah, the lies we tell ourselves ...

Women are dishonest, lying creatures. To themselves. Well, and to each other. This was extremely well illustrated in the recent film-based-on-book "He's Just Not That Into You". Whether you read it or watch it, LEARN IT, and the truth will make you free.

We try. It's not that we don't try! And we truly care; but unfortunately, we don't always care in the right way. Ladies, we need to face the music, and stop making excuses for men! They love it; they're full of excuses. There's always a good reason for everything, right? We fail to realize that excuses are LIES. If you aren't being totally up-front and honest, you're a liar. Hey, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck ...

We're going to do a series studying the lies we tell ourselves (and each other). We're going to learn about the dangerous power of words like what if and maybe and sometimes. You want love that lasts? Play the odds. You can't depend on life to throw a fairy tale into your lap. You have to make your own fairy tale.

Long Distance Love

My advice: don't.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw in a huge obstacle like distance, things just get that much more tricky. Not only does the couple have to deal with normal relationship issues, like commitment and communication, they have to deal with the stress of living far apart.

Why do long-distance relationships (LDR's) fail? People are so caught up in the romance of the situation that they don't look at the practical side of things. Ready to go myth-busting?

LDR MYTHS

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - No, it just makes it confused. You have no idea what your "partner" is doing - they're so far away, it could be anything! You can't really share in their day-to-day life; and you usually can't just pick up and go see them on a whim.

Proximity breeds contempt - Actually, according to psychology, proximity breeds likeness. When you can spend quality face-to-face time with each other, you get to know each other much better. This is how you determine if this person could be your life-mate or not.

It's better to know someone's mind alone - We are physical beings. There has to be chemistry. If you aren't around your sweetheart, you have no idea what the chemistry is going to be like. Mind, body, heart, soul, spirit - all are necessary for understanding, if you're seeking a marriage relationship.

Modern technology makes it easy - E-mail can't replace physical contact. A phone call isn't the same as looking into someone's eyes. It's easy to pretend to be someone you're not when you're a thousand miles away.

LDR TRUTHS

Out of sight, out of mind - Often, either one half or both halves of an LDR continue to date other people locally. If their faraway sweetheart isn't around, they may forget the feelings they share.

Meetings mean sex - Many LDR couples are so physically deprived (due to the distance) that when they do meet, they leap into each other's arms (beds). Sex causes a rush of feel-good chemicals, making you think you're in love when perhaps you're just in lust.

The cost of love - A lot of LDR's fail because the couple just can't afford the traveling expenses to see each other. The further away you are, the more dangerous your LDR is.

Obsession - Mainly women are guilty of this, but some men are, too. Your honey is far away and you can't see or talk to them every day; you sink into obsession, always wondering what they're doing and wishing you could be near them.

He's running - don't chase.

He just dropped a bomb - he wants a "break".

A break very often leads to a break UP. Don't kid yourself - your relationship is on the rocks.

This is the point where we freak out and do all the wrong things. I know, I've been there; and so have you. We've all blundered, and sometimes it's cost us a relationship or two. (Or more.) How can we keep from repeating the deadly cycle? Let's look at the biggest break-up no-no's and how to avoid them.

When he asks for a break (or demands one):

No contact. He wants space. Let him have it. Don't call, text, e-mail, or Facebook him. You'll feel an almost irresistible urge to reach out; refrain. He thinks you're smothering him. Do not give him an excuse to keep believing that. If HE initiates contact, respond; otherwise don't hunt him down.

Stay close to friends. Don't withdraw from friends and family. You'll want to be alone, but this is another urge to resist. Be social. Go out, have fun, keep your mind off things. And speaking of your mind ...

Don't obsess. Spending hour upon hour re-thinking every detail of your relationship is counterproductive. Don't let yourself cry for hours, either. It won't help anything. If you pray, pray about it; then get on with your life. That's what HE'S doing!!

Understand fate. If you're supposed to be with him, it will work out. If not, there is someone better out there. Trust me on this - I was convinced that Asshole Ex was my soulmate. HA!! My husband is a million times better than Asshole Ex.

Keep your options open. If you're on a break (but NOT broken up), you should consider dating around a bit. This isn't for everyone; but if you and your boyfriend are having doubts that you're truly meant to be, your true love may still be out there looking for you!

But not TOO open. Until/unless you and your sweetie-pie are quits for good, do NOT be intimate with anyone else. This only creates confusion and it's not fair to anyone involved. Sex always complicates things. ALWAYS.

Don't plan your life around him. Again with fate - if it's meant to be, it will. Otherwise do not plan your future around a boyfriend who won't commit. You'll end up disappointed.

Be brutally honest. Don't lie to yourself, and don't make excuses for him. Oh, he just needs time; he just needs space; I know in my heart we're soulmates; I know he loves me ... you don't know anything right now. He's in emotional limbo, and he's left you there, too. Until and unless he marries you, you do NOT "know" that he's it.

On the Rebound

It's usually a bad idea. But not always.

In love, there are exceptions to the rules. One of the biggest post-break-up rules is don't waste your energy on a rebound relationship and/or rebound fling. Usually, I advocate taking time to heal before embarking on a new relationship.

But that's now; several years ago, I wasn't so smart. I was freshly hurt, dumped by the man I thought was my soul mate. I felt rejected and unwanted. I signed up for a dating website; I wanted to prove to myself that I was desirable. Thus started a crazy dating spree: I was asked out constantly. I went on a date with a different guy every night. It was fun.

But I still cried myself to sleep every night. After each date I felt empty, even if the guy was really great. I never wanted to see any guy more than once. However, the "dating spree" did accomplish something: I felt pretty again. I knew that men wanted me, and that felt really good.

So after a certain point, I pulled back and became more picky about my dates. I didn't sit around waiting to get asked out by the perfect guy; I went looking for him. I used Match.com and paid for a three-month subscription (about $50). It turned out to be the best investment of my life. One day I stumbled across a truly magnificent profile; the guy (if he was everything he said he was) looked absolutely perfect for me. So I e-mailed him and waited.

He was perfect for me. He blew the first guy OUT OF THE WATER. We've been married for two years, together for three, and have a gorgeous baby boy. You could say my husband was my "rebound guy": I met him just a few months after getting dumped by the first jerk. You never forget your first love. But my husband made me forget my pain. He got me over him and into a beautiful, wonderful marriage.

Don't be too scared of a rebound relationship. You may be walking from rejection to the marriage altar.

Life After Love

From "it's over" to "I'm over it"

In the first agonizing throes of the break up, you are firmly convinced you'll never love again. You're not even sure that life is worth living. You will never forget them; no one could ever compare; you'll love them for all time.

Not so much.

Though it's hard to believe at the time, pain doesn't last forever. A good analogy is childbirth: when you're having a baby, you're in a great deal of pain, and your emotions are all over the place. You literally feel like you're going crazy and that the pain will never end. But at the end of it all, you're holding your beautiful newborn child in your arms; and I promise, you look back at the labor (or surgery, for C-section mommies like me) and IT IS NOTHING. You'd do it again in a heartbeat: the trade-off is MORE than worth it.

So it is for a break up. You can't eat, you can't sleep, you're going nuts - but one day, when you're walking down the alter with the real man of your dreams, you'll look back at this break up with grateful relief: THANK GOD that jerk broke up with me, or I never would have found my wonderful new husband!!

With that in mind, how do you know when you're getting over your ex? Here are some telltale signs that you're on your way to recovery:

You're thinking about dating again - but not as revenge. You begin entertaining the idea of getting back out there, not for a rebound fling, but because you've accepted that your ex isn't "the one" and you're ready to find "the one".

The ex isn't always on your mind. When you find a whole day going by without thinking of your ex, pat yourself on the back: you're getting over it.

You don't want him back. You've stopped dreaming up ways to revive your ruined relationship. You realize that he wasn't right, and you won't desire reconciliation.

The radio doesn't kill you. So your song comes on the radio - and you don't melt into a pile of quivering tears. Good for you: your heart is healing!

You aren't looking for your ex in public. When I was dumped by my first fiance, every face in a crowd looked like his. These days, I barely remember what he looked like. I think he had brown hair ...?

You don't go back to the scene of your dates. Embarrassing ... I totally did this: after I got dumped, I revisited the place where we had our first kiss. And it was a two-hour drive. Holy cow. Pathetic. Don't do that. Please.

You don't stalk. Oh ... this is bad ... I did this too. If you aren't driving past your ex's house or place of employment, congratulate yourself. You're better than I was.

No Excuses

There's always a "good reason". Truth? That's BULL.

Men are notorious for making excuses when a relationship is failing or ending. (Yes, women do it, too. Right now we're talking about guys. Deal with it.) When he starts feeding you lines, it's time to go on alert: he's on the verge of dumping you. What are these lines, you ask? Well, let's explore the fascinating, heartbreaking world of male excuses.

What he says: "I need to find myself so I know if you're my soul mate."
What he means: "You're not my soul mate."
What YOU should say: "You can find yourself ... a new girlfriend."

What he says: "I need a break to make sure I'm right with God."
What he means: "I'm a coward who's hiding behind religion."
What YOU should say: "God told me you were a waste of time. Adios."

What he says: "I love you, but we're just not compatible."
What he means: "I think I can do better."
What YOU should say: "You thought we were plenty compatible naked in the hot tub last week. Don't call me anymore."

What he says: "I need to see other women to know for sure that I love you."
What he means: "I want to have sex with other women."
What YOU should say: "I'm going to see other guys, too. And not you."

What he says: "I would be ready to marry you in maybe five years."
What he means: "I don't want to marry you."
What YOU should say: "I have better things to do than sitting around waiting for you."

What he says: "I have too much baggage that I don't want to burden you with."
What he means: "You can't handle me."
What YOU should say: "I would have helped you carry that baggage. Now you're going to deal with it alone."

What he says: "I love you but I'm losing my identity."
What he means: "I miss going to strip clubs."
What YOU should say: "It's more like mistaken identity: I thought you were a great catch, not a waste of my time."

What he says: "I did love you; but things change."
What he means: "I never loved you."
What YOU should say: "Things do change. Like my phone number is about to."

Please note, the female responses are intended for a good chuckle when you're having a bad day. I believe break-ups should be handled with dignity and maturity. However, guys OFTEN don't leave us that option! I hate excuses. I know the difference between being strung along and being honestly pursued. When a man wants you forever, he makes NO excuses.

The Break Up Alert System

You're about to get dumped.

But you have no idea. How do you know when he's about to pull the rug out from under your feet?

Break ups are never fun. But it's even worse when you get dumped out of nowhere. I've been there. You've been there. Just about all of us have. You're shocked, horrified, you have this awful knot in your stomach, you can't eat, you can't sleep - and you constantly wonder how you could have missed the signs.

Well, it doesn't have to be that way. All it takes is a little relationship know-how. You don't have to be paranoid; but you'll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if you pay attention to the signs, and utilize what I call the Break Up Alert System. It's similar to the Homeland Security Advisory System; only instead of protecting the US, this will protect your heart.

Green Alert
Signs: He calls you a little less than usual. He takes you on slightly cheaper dates. He goes out with his buddies occasionally (once a week or less).
Risk: Low. He's probably just getting comfortable with you, and there likely isn't anything to worry about. However, watch for his need for space to increase; if that happens, you may be moving on to a different alert level.

Blue Alert
Signs: You notice a lack of previous positive behavior, like complimenting you or making special date plans. Instead he's more interested in himself.
Risk: Guarded. Again, he might just be getting comfortable in the relationship; or, he may be losing interest. This is where you should start watching his behavior more carefully.

Yellow Alert
Signs: He starts picking fights. He criticizes you or your appearance. He takes a lot of calls on his phone and doesn't tell you who's calling.
Risk: Elevated. If he's starting to act like a jerk and/or take you for granted, he could very well be losing the spark. This is where you need to be worried and possibly take action.

Orange Alert
Signs: He's losing interest in sex. He doesn't make eye contact with you. If he's out, he usually doesn't answer when you call. He won't talk about his feelings and has no interest in talking about the relationship, or where it's going.
Risk: High. You either need to get counseling, or break it off yourself, because you're headed downhill FAST.

Red Alert
Signs: He has no interest in sex. If he's out, he never answers when you call; in fact, he acts angry that you called at all. He comes right out and says you need a "break" or that he needs "time" and/or "space".
Risk: Severe. Just leave now. He's obviously not committed and you owe it to yourself to move on. There is someone better out there.

Ex Sex

This one is simple: just don't.

You broke up with your boyfriend of two years; several months have passed, and you aren't seeing anyone new. You're lonely. Your ex is horny. Hell, maybe you're horny and he's lonely. Or a combination. You hook up.

MISTAKE! It's easier for men to have casual sex than it is for women. If you surrender to his embrace, you risk bringing all those feelings rushing back, accompanied by the hope of getting back together. Think: the relationship ended for a reason. Whatever that reason was, it won't be fixed by post-break-up sex. Then you're left confused and flooded with lingering feelings.

If you break up with a significant other and keep them around as a "friend with benefits", you aren't making a clean break. Plus, sex stirs up all kinds of feel-good chemicals in your brain: lying in his arms, soaking up the post-orgasmic bliss, you may feel like you're in love with him again. You aren't.

Here's something else to consider: you may fall into a destructive pattern of having casual sex with your ex, which can interfere with new relationships. I know a guy who kept his ex on the back burner for years, just to get sex when he couldn't find it elsewhere. Not only was she kept hanging, but it was harder for him to move forward with a new girl.

It's better to:

Please yourself. Go get a good vibrator and turn up the heat.
Find an alternative. This might be a good time for a shopping trip with the girls.
Get back out there. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Go fishing.

Shut up and smile

Forget the conscience. Let his cues be your guide.

Chicks have a lot of emotions. And oh, don't we just loooove to talk about them! But sometimes, it's better to keep a few things to yourself.

If you're in the early stages of dating, your guy doesn't need to hear your emotions on every single conceivable subject. Try it. You'll see a look of total TMI on his face. He wants to get to know YOU. He doesn't need to know about your deep resentment toward your mother, or your long-time rivalry with your sister, or (God FORBID) your issues getting over your last serious relationship.

When he takes the leap and invites you to be exclusive with him, then it's time to begin gradually revealing some of those things. Now, I'm not saying to keep your entire personality to yourself; that's not being honest. But do you want to hear all his dirty laundry on Date #1? I thought not. Do him the same courtesy.

Here are a few rules of thumb to abide by:

1 - Keep negativity at home
Men are turned off by cynical, critical women. Keep your attitude positive. A smile is more attractive than a frown. Oh, you had a bad day? Share it with him; but keep things light. You can tell him about spilling your lunch on your brand-new skirt, but tell it from a humorous point of view. He will be more naturally sympathetic if he sees that you aren't a downer.

2 - Less is ABSOLUTELY MORE
Keep some mystery! Within the first few weeks of dating, he doesn't need to know anything about your period, your family drama, YOUR EX ... wait for him to ask questions. (And if he never asks you anything about yourself ... dump his ass. He's a selfish cad.)

3 - Opinions, not emotions
Men are generally more logical than women; it's just how their brains are wired. He will be more likely to respond positively if you share an educated opinion about something, rather than just a knee-jerk emotion. Example: you're talking about recent news, like a homicide. Instead of just weeping over how horrible the crime was, lead a discussion with your man about how the murderer's negative home environment helped to foster his homicidal tendencies.

4 - Maintain control
Especially if you're PMSing, it's important to separate, contain, and control your emotions. You don't want Mr. Right to see you as an emotional wreck. When you're in a situation with him and your feelings threaten to overflow, step back, take a breath - and force those emotional thoughts to the back of your mind. It will take some practice to learn this technique; I highly recommend learning self-meditation. It's so worth the effort.

5 - Don't overreact
One of the biggies that women overreact to is this: he was supposed to call you at whatever-o-clock, and he never did. The usual reaction is either sitting up all night obsessing, or calling his phone every five minutes. These are BAD. Bad, bad, bad! If he's supposed to call and doesn't, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Watch a movie. Do your nails. Take a bubble bath. Then, when he does call, act distant; let him know you're losing interest in him because he isn't making you a priority. (Believe me, it works.)

Let's Be Friends (aka GO AWAY)

Can't we just be friends?

Translation: the thought of having sex with you makes me throw up in my mouth.

We've all had this conversation. He's funny, he's smart, he's WAAAAY too nice; and there is absolutely ZERO chemistry. Keep dialing, buddy; she's not picking up.

Men, even nerdy men, love the chase. They're convinced that the more you say "no", the more you mean "yes". He may have an IQ of 150; but you say "let's be friends" and he hears "take me, you hot hunk of nerdliness".

So, how do you shake this rat (no offense) from your neck? Here are some ideas that have worked for me in the past:

1 - Give it to him straight
Sometimes - and I emphasize SOMEtimes - you can get through to him with a simple, one-on-one conversation. Go out for coffee, during the day, go dutch (make it as non-datelike as possible). Don't make excuses. Be honest. Explain to him that he's a great guy, but you aren't feeling it. Tell him there's no chemistry and you're moving on.

2 - Be firm
If he's truly besotted (and nerds, God bless 'em, have a tendency to get easily besotted), he may resist even the most rational of conversations. But you must have the emotional distance of Mr. Spock right now. If he argues, repeat yourself. Be logical; eventually his IQ will catch up with his heart and he'll get the message.

3 - Create distance
If you're chatting with him every day, he won't get the message. Even if he's an awesome friend and you can tell him anything, don't. That's what girlfriends are for. You're just going to lead him on and hurt him even more, and that isn't fair.

4 - Group activities only
Don't see him alone. EVER. He'll get the wrong idea; he will see even the most casual encounter as a date, and as an opportunity to win your heart. You've already decided your heart can't be won by this guy, so don't give him false hope.

5 - Cut him off
I HATE this one. It's cold, it's cruel, and I do NOT recommend it unless you have NO other option. Never, never, never put a guy on permanent "ignore" unless you've tried everything else and he still won't leave you alone. This is the option to use only if he's dangerous close to "stalker" status. Remember: do unto others as you'd have done to you. If you don't want the guy of your dreams ignoring you, don't do it to that nice nerd.

That Clingy Thingy

I don't care if you're a supermodel. If you're clingy, you're out.

Why are we so needy and desperate? Guys don't understand, but we chicks are under a LOT of pressure. We have to look good all the time. We have to keep ourselves shaven and (hopefully) at a decent weight, we have to wear the right clothes and carry the right handbag, we have to keep our makeup fresh, and - worst of all - we have to compete with faces of perfection like Nicole Kidman and Heidi Klum. (Curse you, you horrible, beautiful creatures; curse you!!!)

Then there's Playboy, Penthouse, and other porn - come ON, guys, you really wonder why we have low self-esteem??!! No wonder gorgeous women all over American are clingy and needy. Check out this picture; hot blonde at a bar, fabulous dress, every hair in place. What you DON'T see is this: she's waiting for her boyfriend, who is 45 minutes late. She's checking her phone every five minutes and sinking deeper and deeper into obsession.

So yes, I have sympathy for clingy women. I AM one. I had one boyfriend who was such an asshole that he proposed over the phone, then stopped calling me a few weeks later. I may or may not have devolved into a quivering pile of stalker. Fortunately, it taught me a valuable lesson: if you're needy, he won't need you. I went into my next relationship with a devil-may-care attitude; I informed him up front that I was getting over an ex, and was NOT shopping for love. He took the challenge to heart; within three months, he was begging me to marry him. (!!!)

The clingy thingy never goes away totally, however. I get a little gaga if my hubby is at work and doesn't call me every few hours. But with men, a little space goes a long way. If you push them away, they'll come crawling back.

Be chaste, be chased

Men are creatures of double standards. But we already knew that.

In a recent survey given to single men, over half said they'd prefer a virgin bride. Ironically, each man surveyed had screwed at least two chicks in his life. So ... it's okay (actually preferred) for THEM to be experienced, just not their ladyloves.

The virgin (rare and mythical creature that it is) is a creature much sought after by men. For some guys, it's an ego thing: they want to be the FIRST and the ONLY ding-ding she ever experiences. It's all about pride and proving their masculinity. Also, if he's not well-endowed, well, how is SHE going to know? He can be crap in bed and she wouldn't know the difference.

Others want to take the role of loving teacher; they want to demonstrate sex with love, so their pure bride doesn't suffer sexual scars from casual encounters. This is a lovely motive; the virgin who finds a man like that has scored a great prize (and so has he).

Many guys will also snap up a girl who's been deflowered, but isn't terribly experienced. These men are often not that experienced themselves; so a gal who's still somewhat innocent is less intimidating.

There are guys who prefer an experienced woman; often, though, these are the guys looking for nothing but casual sex. These guys are usually pretty promiscuous themselves. But sometimes a male virgin will pursue an experienced lady: he's secure in his masculinity and isn't afraid to be taught a thing or two in bed. He may just be a keeper.

Some guys have reservations about dating a virgin; after all, if she's waited this long, why should she give it up to HIM? If he's looking for casual sex, he needs to move on. If he wants to snag her for love and forever, he'll withstand blue balls and wait until she's ready.

But some men also assume that a virgin will be crappy in bed. Now, now! Don't make assumptions. Just because she saved herself for "the right one" doesn't mean she isn't horny as hell after waiting so long!! News flash: plenty virgins are naughty AND nice.

Men's Idiotic Dating Tips

Guys, we love you ... but you're clueless.

A friend sent me a link with the note "TJ, you'll find this absolutely chortle-worthy". It was an article with dating tips for guys. And yes, I DID find it quite chortle-worthy. Poor guys; so many of them are just clueless. Let's blow the lid off these ridiculous "dating tips", shall we?

Dating tip #1: Take women on cheap coffee dates.
The author encourages guys to meet women for coffee instead of taking them out to dinner, because it's cheaper (yes, he really said that). Ohhhh, what a romantic - you met me at Starbucks and expected me to pick up my own tab! What a knight in shining armor you are! Get a clue, buddy: that's terrible advice. We want to be swept off our feet. Dinner date drama make you nervous? Uh ... TOO BAD. Welcome to the dating world.

Dating tip #2: Be the strong and silent type.
Shut up. No, don't shut up. Now, I don't want to hear your life story on the first date; but I don't want to carry the conversation, either. I've been on dates with the silent type; it's a BORE and a DRAG and I never returned their phone calls afterwards. Women hate talking to men when it's like pulling teeth.

Dating tip #3: Make snotty comments
This is to show the woman that you're "not impressed" with her and supposedly creates interest and attraction. Oh, come ON. Who actually buys this stuff? The only woman you're going to attract by insulting her is a chick with really low self-esteem who thinks she thinks she actually deserves your snide remarks. Try making a long-term relationship out of that.

Dating tip #4: Don't compliment her
Wow. Asshole. Really?! Now, I'm all for avoiding pick-up lines, or insincere comments; but honestly, even the most gorgeous woman in the world only feels gorgeous when the guy she cares about tells her so. The author's reason for avoiding compliments is to (again) devalue her and show her you aren't impressed. Okay, MORON, if you aren't impressed with her, WHY DID YOU ASK HER OUT?

Dating tip #5: Date multiple chicks and brag about it
You ... are ... an ... idiot. Really, buddy? Each of this guy's "dating tips" is stupider than the last. He obviously isn't interested in pursuing a true relationship: all he wants is tail. I hope he winds up miserable and alone. If you're romantically interested in a girl, PURSUE HER AT THE EXPENSE OF ALL OTHERS. Geez, what a no-brainer - but apparently guys don't get it. From our first date, my husband fell hard and fast; he then pursued me single-mindedly. Result? He got a "yes, I'll marry you" out of me in under three months.

He Paid, She Paid

Who should foot the bill?

Call me a romantic, call me old-fashioned, call me high-maintenance - just don't expect me to pay for a first date.

According to recent studies, men pick up the tab about three-quarters of the time. (This number refers to heterosexual daters.)

General dating etiquette does state that generally, whoever initiates the date should pay: if she asks him out, then she pays.

Honestly, that doesn't vibe with me. For one thing, men are hunters: although a woman can definitely let a guy know that she's interested and attracted to him, the larger percentage of men prefer to be the askers, not the askees.

If he's the asker, aka hunter, he should definitely pay for the first several dates: after all, he's pursuing, he's trying to win her. Sorry, guys, but asking a chick to foot the bill is a huge turn-off. Modern dates are often lazy and assuming: it's time to get back the knights in shining armor.

My husband was dirt-poor when we met; but he treated me to lavish dinners at pricey restaurants during our early dating days. I didn't know at the time that he was literally using his own grocery money to spoil me. And why? He knew right away that he wanted to marry me, and he was going to do whatever it took to win me over.

Once we became established boyfriend/girlfriend, I learned a bit more about him: namely, that he was going broke taking me to Red Lobster. At that point, we had an established relationship that was well on its way to commitment: so I was okay with picking up the check. He admitted it was a bit of a blow to his ego, but he accepted it and let me do my part.

So, who pays? My suggestion (what worked for me): he pays when the pursuit begins. Once the relationship is committed/exclusive, she can start helping out.

The Three-Day Mistake

Strike while the iron is hot.

Men have an unwritten rule: after a first date, wait three days before you call. That supposedly creates more interest, going off the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Well, if that heart is still on the market, you're just wasting time and losing chances.

Women HATE the three-day rule. These days, we aren't just sitting around waiting for you to honor us with your presence: most women report that if he doesn't make contact within 24 hours, her interest goes down abruptly.

Case in point: after our (beautiful, perfect, romantic) first date, my now-husband waited a grand total of 12 hours before sending me a lovely text message asking to see me again.

If you're interested, buddy, don't wait. Don't waste time. A single dating woman usually has several irons in the fire ... and they may be hotter than you. You want her? Go get her. When you take your sweet time to call, we automatically assume the following:

* You're after a bigger, better deal
* All you want is sex
* We are your second (or third) choice
* You're just leading us on
* You're taking us for granted
* You think you can do better

When I was single, had a first date, and didn't hear from him within 2 days, I was very likely to ignore him when he finally DID call. For guys who waited 3+ days, I didn't even consider picking up. Am I a picky bitch? Uh, YEAH. Welcome to reality. A confidant, attractive, sexy, talented woman isn't going to sit around by the phone: we'll move on faster than you can dial our number.

The Weekend Fling

Hello, I DO exist Monday - Friday.

My sis is pissed, and with good reason. She's in a four-month-old relationship with a dazzling boy, and she's crazy about him. Problem: they're doing the long-distance deal; they're about three hours apart, and see each other only on weekends.

So, come Saturday, they enjoy a romantic rendezvous; but the reason sis is pissed is because during the week, she rarely (if ever) hears from her beau. So un-sexy. Her feeling: if I'm good enough to adore on the weekends, don't I deserve some mid-week contact?

She's not being needy or clingy: this boy is serious about her and has brought up engagement rings and wedding plans! Clearly this is no fling: but his M-F neglect makes my sister feel like she's only interesting in person.

Their reason for weekend cavorting is distance; but it's actually not uncommon for closer couples to drop the ball during the workweek. They designate Friday night through Sunday (usually) for their significant other; but during the week, they're too busy for love. I've talked to women who don't hear from their boyfriends for days at a time.

Is work a legit excuse? I think not. If a man is serious about you, he'll go into all-out pursuit mode. When I met my hubby, he was working TWO - not one - full-time jobs. He barely had time to sleep, let alone court me. So ... he gave up sleeping. I kid you not! The man slept 2-3 hours a night TOPS during our first few months. His priority? Me.

So don't take any excuses from Mr. Perfect, and don't make excuses FOR him. If you aren't NUMERO UNO on his list, suggest he get his priorities straight - or you'll be taking a hike.

The Text Message of Doom

My friend Maya* experienced one of the worst, rudest, and most absolutely despicable break-ups ever: being dumped via text.

Oh, NO, he didn't.

Well, he did. We enjoy the convenience of modern technology; but in this case, Rick* committed a hideous faux pas when he wasn't man enough to do the deed in person.

Now, if you've only had a few casual dates with someone, then MAYBE it's half-ass okay to send a text saying something like "Thanks for the fun times, but I'm going in a different direction right now - take care". But Maya and Rick had been going for four months; they'd reached the official girlfriend/boyfriend stage, and as far as Maya knew, everything was going great. Then, out of the blue, Rick decided he was "bored"; then, the text message of doom.

Breaking up is ALWAYS hard to do ... but when both parties are mature and respectful, it doesn't have to be Hell on Earth. Just abide by a few "Rules of Adieu":

* The Golden Rule - would YOU want to be dumped via text or voice mail?! Then don't do it.

* He Said/She Said - don't point the finger of blame. If the relationship didn't work, it didn't work - it's not necessarily anyone's "fault". It takes two to tango. Agree to go your separate ways and leave it at that.

* Personal Touch - the most polite and courteous way of breaking up is in person. Worried about a dramatic scene? Try a public place. That won't completely guarantee a quick and quiet break, but it may help.

* It's Not You, It's Me - oh, nonsense. It's both of you. Don't give excuses; just explain your feelings.

* Let's Be Friends - okay, it's not always possible, or even desirable. But if you were friends before you dated, it's feasible to let bygones be bygones and salvage the friendship.

* Open-door Policy - sometimes the person is right, but the timing is wrong. An amicable break-up keeps the door open to a second chance in the future.

Maya followed these rules with a different break-up, Seth*; though their relationship didn't make it, they parted on good terms and enjoyed a strong friendship. They were even friendly enough to give things another try; it still didn't work in the romance department, but they defied the odds and stayed great pals.

* names changed for privacy