Ladylies #1 - The Break

Ladylie: "Sometimes when he wants a break, he just needs to be sure."

Truth: when he says he wants a break, he wants a break UP.

Always? No. Understand that in matters of the heart, always and never are very dangerous words to use. However, if you're looking for a committed relationship, you have to play the odds. And odds are, if he wants a break, he's done with the relationship.

We are all guilty of telling this ladylie. When my first fiance dropped the break-bomb on me, I thought everything was perfect: in fact, we planned to marry within a matter of months. But no; he wanted a "break" to make sure the marriage was the right thing.

Immediately my friends began the ladylie: "Oh, he just needs time! He'll be back, don't worry about that!"

My mother told me the hard truth: "He's probably breaking up with you. He's trying to let you down easy."

Pessimist? No, just honest. She was right, of course: it wasn't long before the "break" devolved into a break up. If I had been able to accept that possibility, instead of plunging headfirst into denial, the break up wouldn't have been nearly so painful.

Honestly is always the best policy. Your tearful gal pal doesn't want to hear the truth, but you owe it to her. Don't give her false promises. Give her the tools to stay strong and be independant, and understand that happiness is not based on another person, but on yourself.

Face the Truth

Ah, the lies we tell ourselves ...

Women are dishonest, lying creatures. To themselves. Well, and to each other. This was extremely well illustrated in the recent film-based-on-book "He's Just Not That Into You". Whether you read it or watch it, LEARN IT, and the truth will make you free.

We try. It's not that we don't try! And we truly care; but unfortunately, we don't always care in the right way. Ladies, we need to face the music, and stop making excuses for men! They love it; they're full of excuses. There's always a good reason for everything, right? We fail to realize that excuses are LIES. If you aren't being totally up-front and honest, you're a liar. Hey, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck ...

We're going to do a series studying the lies we tell ourselves (and each other). We're going to learn about the dangerous power of words like what if and maybe and sometimes. You want love that lasts? Play the odds. You can't depend on life to throw a fairy tale into your lap. You have to make your own fairy tale.

Long Distance Love

My advice: don't.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw in a huge obstacle like distance, things just get that much more tricky. Not only does the couple have to deal with normal relationship issues, like commitment and communication, they have to deal with the stress of living far apart.

Why do long-distance relationships (LDR's) fail? People are so caught up in the romance of the situation that they don't look at the practical side of things. Ready to go myth-busting?

LDR MYTHS

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - No, it just makes it confused. You have no idea what your "partner" is doing - they're so far away, it could be anything! You can't really share in their day-to-day life; and you usually can't just pick up and go see them on a whim.

Proximity breeds contempt - Actually, according to psychology, proximity breeds likeness. When you can spend quality face-to-face time with each other, you get to know each other much better. This is how you determine if this person could be your life-mate or not.

It's better to know someone's mind alone - We are physical beings. There has to be chemistry. If you aren't around your sweetheart, you have no idea what the chemistry is going to be like. Mind, body, heart, soul, spirit - all are necessary for understanding, if you're seeking a marriage relationship.

Modern technology makes it easy - E-mail can't replace physical contact. A phone call isn't the same as looking into someone's eyes. It's easy to pretend to be someone you're not when you're a thousand miles away.

LDR TRUTHS

Out of sight, out of mind - Often, either one half or both halves of an LDR continue to date other people locally. If their faraway sweetheart isn't around, they may forget the feelings they share.

Meetings mean sex - Many LDR couples are so physically deprived (due to the distance) that when they do meet, they leap into each other's arms (beds). Sex causes a rush of feel-good chemicals, making you think you're in love when perhaps you're just in lust.

The cost of love - A lot of LDR's fail because the couple just can't afford the traveling expenses to see each other. The further away you are, the more dangerous your LDR is.

Obsession - Mainly women are guilty of this, but some men are, too. Your honey is far away and you can't see or talk to them every day; you sink into obsession, always wondering what they're doing and wishing you could be near them.

He's running - don't chase.

He just dropped a bomb - he wants a "break".

A break very often leads to a break UP. Don't kid yourself - your relationship is on the rocks.

This is the point where we freak out and do all the wrong things. I know, I've been there; and so have you. We've all blundered, and sometimes it's cost us a relationship or two. (Or more.) How can we keep from repeating the deadly cycle? Let's look at the biggest break-up no-no's and how to avoid them.

When he asks for a break (or demands one):

No contact. He wants space. Let him have it. Don't call, text, e-mail, or Facebook him. You'll feel an almost irresistible urge to reach out; refrain. He thinks you're smothering him. Do not give him an excuse to keep believing that. If HE initiates contact, respond; otherwise don't hunt him down.

Stay close to friends. Don't withdraw from friends and family. You'll want to be alone, but this is another urge to resist. Be social. Go out, have fun, keep your mind off things. And speaking of your mind ...

Don't obsess. Spending hour upon hour re-thinking every detail of your relationship is counterproductive. Don't let yourself cry for hours, either. It won't help anything. If you pray, pray about it; then get on with your life. That's what HE'S doing!!

Understand fate. If you're supposed to be with him, it will work out. If not, there is someone better out there. Trust me on this - I was convinced that Asshole Ex was my soulmate. HA!! My husband is a million times better than Asshole Ex.

Keep your options open. If you're on a break (but NOT broken up), you should consider dating around a bit. This isn't for everyone; but if you and your boyfriend are having doubts that you're truly meant to be, your true love may still be out there looking for you!

But not TOO open. Until/unless you and your sweetie-pie are quits for good, do NOT be intimate with anyone else. This only creates confusion and it's not fair to anyone involved. Sex always complicates things. ALWAYS.

Don't plan your life around him. Again with fate - if it's meant to be, it will. Otherwise do not plan your future around a boyfriend who won't commit. You'll end up disappointed.

Be brutally honest. Don't lie to yourself, and don't make excuses for him. Oh, he just needs time; he just needs space; I know in my heart we're soulmates; I know he loves me ... you don't know anything right now. He's in emotional limbo, and he's left you there, too. Until and unless he marries you, you do NOT "know" that he's it.

On the Rebound

It's usually a bad idea. But not always.

In love, there are exceptions to the rules. One of the biggest post-break-up rules is don't waste your energy on a rebound relationship and/or rebound fling. Usually, I advocate taking time to heal before embarking on a new relationship.

But that's now; several years ago, I wasn't so smart. I was freshly hurt, dumped by the man I thought was my soul mate. I felt rejected and unwanted. I signed up for a dating website; I wanted to prove to myself that I was desirable. Thus started a crazy dating spree: I was asked out constantly. I went on a date with a different guy every night. It was fun.

But I still cried myself to sleep every night. After each date I felt empty, even if the guy was really great. I never wanted to see any guy more than once. However, the "dating spree" did accomplish something: I felt pretty again. I knew that men wanted me, and that felt really good.

So after a certain point, I pulled back and became more picky about my dates. I didn't sit around waiting to get asked out by the perfect guy; I went looking for him. I used Match.com and paid for a three-month subscription (about $50). It turned out to be the best investment of my life. One day I stumbled across a truly magnificent profile; the guy (if he was everything he said he was) looked absolutely perfect for me. So I e-mailed him and waited.

He was perfect for me. He blew the first guy OUT OF THE WATER. We've been married for two years, together for three, and have a gorgeous baby boy. You could say my husband was my "rebound guy": I met him just a few months after getting dumped by the first jerk. You never forget your first love. But my husband made me forget my pain. He got me over him and into a beautiful, wonderful marriage.

Don't be too scared of a rebound relationship. You may be walking from rejection to the marriage altar.

Life After Love

From "it's over" to "I'm over it"

In the first agonizing throes of the break up, you are firmly convinced you'll never love again. You're not even sure that life is worth living. You will never forget them; no one could ever compare; you'll love them for all time.

Not so much.

Though it's hard to believe at the time, pain doesn't last forever. A good analogy is childbirth: when you're having a baby, you're in a great deal of pain, and your emotions are all over the place. You literally feel like you're going crazy and that the pain will never end. But at the end of it all, you're holding your beautiful newborn child in your arms; and I promise, you look back at the labor (or surgery, for C-section mommies like me) and IT IS NOTHING. You'd do it again in a heartbeat: the trade-off is MORE than worth it.

So it is for a break up. You can't eat, you can't sleep, you're going nuts - but one day, when you're walking down the alter with the real man of your dreams, you'll look back at this break up with grateful relief: THANK GOD that jerk broke up with me, or I never would have found my wonderful new husband!!

With that in mind, how do you know when you're getting over your ex? Here are some telltale signs that you're on your way to recovery:

You're thinking about dating again - but not as revenge. You begin entertaining the idea of getting back out there, not for a rebound fling, but because you've accepted that your ex isn't "the one" and you're ready to find "the one".

The ex isn't always on your mind. When you find a whole day going by without thinking of your ex, pat yourself on the back: you're getting over it.

You don't want him back. You've stopped dreaming up ways to revive your ruined relationship. You realize that he wasn't right, and you won't desire reconciliation.

The radio doesn't kill you. So your song comes on the radio - and you don't melt into a pile of quivering tears. Good for you: your heart is healing!

You aren't looking for your ex in public. When I was dumped by my first fiance, every face in a crowd looked like his. These days, I barely remember what he looked like. I think he had brown hair ...?

You don't go back to the scene of your dates. Embarrassing ... I totally did this: after I got dumped, I revisited the place where we had our first kiss. And it was a two-hour drive. Holy cow. Pathetic. Don't do that. Please.

You don't stalk. Oh ... this is bad ... I did this too. If you aren't driving past your ex's house or place of employment, congratulate yourself. You're better than I was.

No Excuses

There's always a "good reason". Truth? That's BULL.

Men are notorious for making excuses when a relationship is failing or ending. (Yes, women do it, too. Right now we're talking about guys. Deal with it.) When he starts feeding you lines, it's time to go on alert: he's on the verge of dumping you. What are these lines, you ask? Well, let's explore the fascinating, heartbreaking world of male excuses.

What he says: "I need to find myself so I know if you're my soul mate."
What he means: "You're not my soul mate."
What YOU should say: "You can find yourself ... a new girlfriend."

What he says: "I need a break to make sure I'm right with God."
What he means: "I'm a coward who's hiding behind religion."
What YOU should say: "God told me you were a waste of time. Adios."

What he says: "I love you, but we're just not compatible."
What he means: "I think I can do better."
What YOU should say: "You thought we were plenty compatible naked in the hot tub last week. Don't call me anymore."

What he says: "I need to see other women to know for sure that I love you."
What he means: "I want to have sex with other women."
What YOU should say: "I'm going to see other guys, too. And not you."

What he says: "I would be ready to marry you in maybe five years."
What he means: "I don't want to marry you."
What YOU should say: "I have better things to do than sitting around waiting for you."

What he says: "I have too much baggage that I don't want to burden you with."
What he means: "You can't handle me."
What YOU should say: "I would have helped you carry that baggage. Now you're going to deal with it alone."

What he says: "I love you but I'm losing my identity."
What he means: "I miss going to strip clubs."
What YOU should say: "It's more like mistaken identity: I thought you were a great catch, not a waste of my time."

What he says: "I did love you; but things change."
What he means: "I never loved you."
What YOU should say: "Things do change. Like my phone number is about to."

Please note, the female responses are intended for a good chuckle when you're having a bad day. I believe break-ups should be handled with dignity and maturity. However, guys OFTEN don't leave us that option! I hate excuses. I know the difference between being strung along and being honestly pursued. When a man wants you forever, he makes NO excuses.