Men's Idiotic Dating Tips

Guys, we love you ... but you're clueless.

A friend sent me a link with the note "TJ, you'll find this absolutely chortle-worthy". It was an article with dating tips for guys. And yes, I DID find it quite chortle-worthy. Poor guys; so many of them are just clueless. Let's blow the lid off these ridiculous "dating tips", shall we?

Dating tip #1: Take women on cheap coffee dates.
The author encourages guys to meet women for coffee instead of taking them out to dinner, because it's cheaper (yes, he really said that). Ohhhh, what a romantic - you met me at Starbucks and expected me to pick up my own tab! What a knight in shining armor you are! Get a clue, buddy: that's terrible advice. We want to be swept off our feet. Dinner date drama make you nervous? Uh ... TOO BAD. Welcome to the dating world.

Dating tip #2: Be the strong and silent type.
Shut up. No, don't shut up. Now, I don't want to hear your life story on the first date; but I don't want to carry the conversation, either. I've been on dates with the silent type; it's a BORE and a DRAG and I never returned their phone calls afterwards. Women hate talking to men when it's like pulling teeth.

Dating tip #3: Make snotty comments
This is to show the woman that you're "not impressed" with her and supposedly creates interest and attraction. Oh, come ON. Who actually buys this stuff? The only woman you're going to attract by insulting her is a chick with really low self-esteem who thinks she thinks she actually deserves your snide remarks. Try making a long-term relationship out of that.

Dating tip #4: Don't compliment her
Wow. Asshole. Really?! Now, I'm all for avoiding pick-up lines, or insincere comments; but honestly, even the most gorgeous woman in the world only feels gorgeous when the guy she cares about tells her so. The author's reason for avoiding compliments is to (again) devalue her and show her you aren't impressed. Okay, MORON, if you aren't impressed with her, WHY DID YOU ASK HER OUT?

Dating tip #5: Date multiple chicks and brag about it
You ... are ... an ... idiot. Really, buddy? Each of this guy's "dating tips" is stupider than the last. He obviously isn't interested in pursuing a true relationship: all he wants is tail. I hope he winds up miserable and alone. If you're romantically interested in a girl, PURSUE HER AT THE EXPENSE OF ALL OTHERS. Geez, what a no-brainer - but apparently guys don't get it. From our first date, my husband fell hard and fast; he then pursued me single-mindedly. Result? He got a "yes, I'll marry you" out of me in under three months.

He Paid, She Paid

Who should foot the bill?

Call me a romantic, call me old-fashioned, call me high-maintenance - just don't expect me to pay for a first date.

According to recent studies, men pick up the tab about three-quarters of the time. (This number refers to heterosexual daters.)

General dating etiquette does state that generally, whoever initiates the date should pay: if she asks him out, then she pays.

Honestly, that doesn't vibe with me. For one thing, men are hunters: although a woman can definitely let a guy know that she's interested and attracted to him, the larger percentage of men prefer to be the askers, not the askees.

If he's the asker, aka hunter, he should definitely pay for the first several dates: after all, he's pursuing, he's trying to win her. Sorry, guys, but asking a chick to foot the bill is a huge turn-off. Modern dates are often lazy and assuming: it's time to get back the knights in shining armor.

My husband was dirt-poor when we met; but he treated me to lavish dinners at pricey restaurants during our early dating days. I didn't know at the time that he was literally using his own grocery money to spoil me. And why? He knew right away that he wanted to marry me, and he was going to do whatever it took to win me over.

Once we became established boyfriend/girlfriend, I learned a bit more about him: namely, that he was going broke taking me to Red Lobster. At that point, we had an established relationship that was well on its way to commitment: so I was okay with picking up the check. He admitted it was a bit of a blow to his ego, but he accepted it and let me do my part.

So, who pays? My suggestion (what worked for me): he pays when the pursuit begins. Once the relationship is committed/exclusive, she can start helping out.

The Three-Day Mistake

Strike while the iron is hot.

Men have an unwritten rule: after a first date, wait three days before you call. That supposedly creates more interest, going off the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Well, if that heart is still on the market, you're just wasting time and losing chances.

Women HATE the three-day rule. These days, we aren't just sitting around waiting for you to honor us with your presence: most women report that if he doesn't make contact within 24 hours, her interest goes down abruptly.

Case in point: after our (beautiful, perfect, romantic) first date, my now-husband waited a grand total of 12 hours before sending me a lovely text message asking to see me again.

If you're interested, buddy, don't wait. Don't waste time. A single dating woman usually has several irons in the fire ... and they may be hotter than you. You want her? Go get her. When you take your sweet time to call, we automatically assume the following:

* You're after a bigger, better deal
* All you want is sex
* We are your second (or third) choice
* You're just leading us on
* You're taking us for granted
* You think you can do better

When I was single, had a first date, and didn't hear from him within 2 days, I was very likely to ignore him when he finally DID call. For guys who waited 3+ days, I didn't even consider picking up. Am I a picky bitch? Uh, YEAH. Welcome to reality. A confidant, attractive, sexy, talented woman isn't going to sit around by the phone: we'll move on faster than you can dial our number.

The Weekend Fling

Hello, I DO exist Monday - Friday.

My sis is pissed, and with good reason. She's in a four-month-old relationship with a dazzling boy, and she's crazy about him. Problem: they're doing the long-distance deal; they're about three hours apart, and see each other only on weekends.

So, come Saturday, they enjoy a romantic rendezvous; but the reason sis is pissed is because during the week, she rarely (if ever) hears from her beau. So un-sexy. Her feeling: if I'm good enough to adore on the weekends, don't I deserve some mid-week contact?

She's not being needy or clingy: this boy is serious about her and has brought up engagement rings and wedding plans! Clearly this is no fling: but his M-F neglect makes my sister feel like she's only interesting in person.

Their reason for weekend cavorting is distance; but it's actually not uncommon for closer couples to drop the ball during the workweek. They designate Friday night through Sunday (usually) for their significant other; but during the week, they're too busy for love. I've talked to women who don't hear from their boyfriends for days at a time.

Is work a legit excuse? I think not. If a man is serious about you, he'll go into all-out pursuit mode. When I met my hubby, he was working TWO - not one - full-time jobs. He barely had time to sleep, let alone court me. So ... he gave up sleeping. I kid you not! The man slept 2-3 hours a night TOPS during our first few months. His priority? Me.

So don't take any excuses from Mr. Perfect, and don't make excuses FOR him. If you aren't NUMERO UNO on his list, suggest he get his priorities straight - or you'll be taking a hike.

The Text Message of Doom

My friend Maya* experienced one of the worst, rudest, and most absolutely despicable break-ups ever: being dumped via text.

Oh, NO, he didn't.

Well, he did. We enjoy the convenience of modern technology; but in this case, Rick* committed a hideous faux pas when he wasn't man enough to do the deed in person.

Now, if you've only had a few casual dates with someone, then MAYBE it's half-ass okay to send a text saying something like "Thanks for the fun times, but I'm going in a different direction right now - take care". But Maya and Rick had been going for four months; they'd reached the official girlfriend/boyfriend stage, and as far as Maya knew, everything was going great. Then, out of the blue, Rick decided he was "bored"; then, the text message of doom.

Breaking up is ALWAYS hard to do ... but when both parties are mature and respectful, it doesn't have to be Hell on Earth. Just abide by a few "Rules of Adieu":

* The Golden Rule - would YOU want to be dumped via text or voice mail?! Then don't do it.

* He Said/She Said - don't point the finger of blame. If the relationship didn't work, it didn't work - it's not necessarily anyone's "fault". It takes two to tango. Agree to go your separate ways and leave it at that.

* Personal Touch - the most polite and courteous way of breaking up is in person. Worried about a dramatic scene? Try a public place. That won't completely guarantee a quick and quiet break, but it may help.

* It's Not You, It's Me - oh, nonsense. It's both of you. Don't give excuses; just explain your feelings.

* Let's Be Friends - okay, it's not always possible, or even desirable. But if you were friends before you dated, it's feasible to let bygones be bygones and salvage the friendship.

* Open-door Policy - sometimes the person is right, but the timing is wrong. An amicable break-up keeps the door open to a second chance in the future.

Maya followed these rules with a different break-up, Seth*; though their relationship didn't make it, they parted on good terms and enjoyed a strong friendship. They were even friendly enough to give things another try; it still didn't work in the romance department, but they defied the odds and stayed great pals.

* names changed for privacy